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I was yelling at one of my clients the other day. He's lonely. He's one of my socially anxious people. Reminds me of me. I've been horribly, horribly socially anxious in the past. And we've been discussing “how do we actually want to maintain our relationships, our friendships as we transition, as people move apart.”
And I said, tell the the person that. Tell the person whether boy, girl, romantic partner, potential romantic partner or not, “Hey, I want to make sure that we maintain this relationship over time. In fact, maybe I want us all to live together. Hey, maybe I want to live close together. Hey, I want to join the commune. Hey, what's your Discord so we can play over the internet if you're on the other side of the planet.”
But he said something like, "But isn't that needy and weak?" And I disagreed. I hate it as a message. Because it's a message we all get. It's like “the person with the least needs is the most powerful.” The person who's robot, if they're emotionally unaffected by reality, they're the most powerful. They win the most.
And there's something to be said for that. If you're in a job that involves blood, running towards gunfire, running into a burning building then yes, there's a little bit of emotional control, a little bit of stoicism certainly isn't a bad thing.
But if it's taken it too far then it is avoidance of needs, avoidance of vulnerability, avoidance of “weakness.” Well, if I never have friends, I'll never be betrayed by them. Too bad you're just going to be lonely the rest of your life. Well, if I never actually have any sexual drive, any romantic drive, I'll never pursue it. That means I'll never get rejected. And that feels a lot more powerful than having my heart broken.
And it's so wrong. Independence can be a virtue, but independence to the point where you're just cutting yourself off from the rest of humanity sure as hell isn't. You're not that guy who goes to Alaska and lives in the wilderness forever. And if you are, kudos to you. Just take a look at the needs or the things you say that you shouldn't want, you shouldn't desire, you shouldn't actually have as a human need, and be like, "Nah, expletive that. I'm human and I'm allowed to pursue the love, safety, sleep, sex, beauty, fulfillment, self-actualization, whatever the hell it is you want, need.”