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There is this saying that goes, “Better to be a Warrior in a garden, than a Gardener in a war.” Which makes sense on the surface but if you actually know anything about history, the military, or psychology then you start to see how wrong that is really quick.
For most of history a warrior was not a fulltime warrior. He was a gardener, or farmer, or butcher, or miner, or merchant, or something else. People had their personal and professional lives, and then when war is declared only then are they trained to be a warrior. Generally, he only grabbed a uniform and a weapon when absolutely necessary. There are of course the professional full time soldiers but they are actually rare compared to everyone else who ends up fighting.
And it actually is relatively easy to turn a gardener into warrior, at least in the basic level. Are they going to be badass delta force navy seal people in four months of training? No. But they will know enough to kill people, break stuff, and defend territory. Which is pretty much all most people need.
And if you look at history, or even current events, it seems to be mentally better for people who have something to return to. A gardener goes back to the garden. They loved the peace of the garden before they had to fight, bleed, and kill; and now they still love the peace of it. Maybe they love it more. Maybe it’s healing to their tortured soul. Or maybe they just find it relaxing.
But full time warriors, seem to have a lot of problems with integration and attaining some level of peace, they are the people who can’t seem to relax at all. Can’t seem to walk into a starbucks without being at red alert for danger. Can’t sleep at night. Can’t transition back, because there is nothing to transition back to.
Now there is a lot of complicated psychology stuff to explain the reasoning behind this, but for right now take my word for most of it, and let me keep it to some of the basics.
Number one: Hypervigilance. If you experienced trauma one of the beliefs you might be working under is “if I let my guard down, that’s when a predator is going to get me. That is when everything is going to fall apart.” Now this can be conscious, or unconscious, but either way, the idea is that I need to be constantly on red alert. The real danger is in closing my eyes.
Unfortunately, if you are in a dangerous situation, hypervigilance is actually a really good survival mechanism in the short term. You are being hunted, you do need to stay awake. The moment you do close your eyes you might die.
The problem in the long term is that you’re not in war zone anymore. You’re not on the plains being hunted by wild beasts. You’re back in the garden, back in the hometown, back in the middle of the high-rise, but the hypervigilance and the terror behind it are still there. Your caveman brain is in survival mode and stuck there, despite the actual safety.
Side note: One of the things I avoid my hypervigilant clients is relaxation techniques at the beginning of our healing process. Relaxation triggers the terror of letting your guard down causing a self punishment cycle. The more I try to relax the more panic I feel. If you’re not ready for it yet it can definitely be re-traumatizing.
Number Two: Intensity versus mundanity. After experiencing life-or-death situations, everyday civilian life can seem trivial. One of the things I see time and time again are people who become adrenaline junkies and intensity junkies. They can’t watch a horror movie, they need to watch the scariest films they can find and in fact will clear their weekends to do a full marathon. They can’t just go to work, they have to work til they exhaust themselves.
There’s this concept that slow and steady, or even just working at sustainable pace feels like waste. Some people even equate to a moral violation. If I leave anything on the table then I am committing a sin. The standard is impossible, at least in the long term.
But a garden does not really ask for that. Show up, water some plants, pull some weeds, and let the sun and the earth handle the rest. For some people, this lack of intensity is anathema. That pace feels like hell. Peace feels like hell.
Let me make this even more simple. You are what you do. Which leads me to;
Number 3: Impossible standards and moral injury. Moral injury is psychological distress resulting from actions or experiences that violate a person’s moral beliefs and values. Generally you need at least one of these components. Perpetration, Betrayal, and Witnessing.
Perpetration is when you yourself commit an act that goes against your moral beliefs.
Betrayal is when a person or institution betrays your trust
Witnessing is when you observe others commit moral violations that you cannot or will not prevent.
Generally all of these are also tied to the word shame. Something occurs that is out of your control or you are under so much duress, so much external pressure that I end up taking actions I would not otherwise do. Now, with normies this means I did something bad or something bad happened and I need to take make amends, rectify this, get some healing around this.
Military and first responder training emphasizes that your actions matter, lives depend on you, failure is not an option. They assume they should be able to control the uncontrollable. This creates a cognitive framework where every negative outcome must be someone's fault. "If I had been faster, smarter, more vigilant, I could have saved them." Instead of "terrible things happened," it becomes "I am terrible for letting them happen." This transforms tragic circumstances into personal failures, even when the outcome was objectively beyond their control.
This now leads to Perpetual self-punishment; an ongoing, unconscious process where individuals continuously inflict suffering on themselves as penance for perceived moral failures. It becomes a way of life rather than a temporary response to guilt.
Number 4: Identity Disruption. For many warriors the military identity or first responder identity is all-encompassing. Transitioning to another role or another profession means losing a clear sense of purpose, belonging, and self-definition. The question "who am I without this role?" creates existential anxiety.
And if you are what you do, then there is the idea that being anything other than a warrior takes away from that warrior identity. It’s a lack of nuance. Its the black or white cognitive distortion. If I am not constantly a badass then I am never a badass. If I cry once, I’m a weakling forever. This I despise with my whole being.
Lack of nuance is celebrated in military and first responder cultures. The idea that you can be more than one thing at a time, or that you can be in a role for a portion of your life and change to a different role with completely different values, actions, and expectations is really seen as weakness, or waffling, or lacking conviction. I genuinely think this level of rigidity is the underlying source of most of their problems.
I am a US Army veteran. I had a 430 day deployment with 10 months in Iraq. When everyone else was getting laid and drunk at age 19 I was in the desert with a rifle. No I didn’t I do anything badass, but I was there and they were tossing mortars to kill me. I got my honorable discharge which a lot of other people don’t.
I was a soldier. That was one of my roles and an aspect of my identity. It was not my full identity, it was not my only role. So much so that when it came time to take off the uniform it was very easy.
A gardener can be a warrior for a season and then go back to peace and ease. Where as a warrior seems to rebel against the garden, rebel against peace, rebel against being anything other than a singular thing. He might try to be a gardener for a season, but he is not actually taking on the identity. He also probably thinks that gardening makes him lose his edge, or that relaxation is going to lead to death, or that peace will make his balls fall off, and it sure as hell won’t work in the long run.
Anyway these are just some generalities and ideas. Completely anecdotal. I wanted to offer some clarity about why some veterans and first responders don’t seem to be able to integrate into civilian life, why there are so many homeless vets, issues in relationships, etc.
Don't send me counter examples about how your Uncle Jim who is gardener got bitten by a radioactive navy seal and now he is the Garden Warrior and how he fights evil with his plant knowledge.
If this is resonating, what you might need is to learn how to be more than just one thing, one role, one archetype, one life. Let go of the rigidity and see what else you can be. If you or someone you know wants to learn how to do this, maybe its time to see someone like me.