The stereotype of the holidays promises warmth and connection and fun times around the fire. At least that what everyone on TV says it’s supposed to be.
However, if you have a less than ideal relationship with your family, the holidays can feel like walking into mind games, obligations, old wounds, old roles, and fresh disappointments. Add travel stress and seasonal depression and it’s very easy to end up dysregulated, resentful, numb, and promising “this is the last year I’m putting up with this explative!” Just like you said last year.
So how do we survive this?
First, I’m opening extra telehealth sessions specifically for holiday support. I’ll be working limited hours on Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Year’s Eve, and New Year’s Day. Great for prepping, mid-event grounding, or post-event debriefing.
You can schedule ahead of time or if you start freaking out because of the chaotic nonsense that Uncle Ron pulled this year (just like he does every year) you can message me directly and ask for a same day session. Sessions will be first come, first serve and be subject to availability.
The direct scheduling link is here
https://prosperitycc.sessionshealth.com/request
Or you can always find it on www.shadowdiver.org
Not for emergencies. If you’re in crisis, call 911, 988 or your local emergency number.
However, you might be saying, “Steve, you are as wise as you are bald. But I don’t want to spend the holidays being in the counseling session.” Fair enough. So let’s get some plans before the events.
Set the dealbreakers.
These are things that you don’t accept as part of the holidays, as topics of discussion, or as expectations to perform a certain way. These can include but are not limited to;
Weight.
Taking care of someone inebriated.
Politics.
Driving Uncle Ron to the train station.
Who I’m dating.
My career.
Family drama
Comparing me to others.
Have the Scripts
One of the best ways to protect yourself is to know exactly what you want to say and how to say it.
“Great to see you. I’m here until 6, then I have evening plans.”
Deflecting intrusive questions: “I’m keeping that private, thanks.” “I’m not discussing dating/finances/health/Donny T. today.”
Body/appearance comments: “Please don’t comment on my body.”
Repeat once; if it continues, remove yourself
Politics: “I’m here for connection, not debate. Let’s keep it off the table.”
Triangulation against other family members: “I don’t want to talk about any one else or their business, especially if they are not here.”
Exit: “I’m heading out now. Thanks for having me. I’ll text when I’m home.” And then actually leave.
If you need a little help, please check out the nonviolent communication worksheet here.
https://nonviolentcommunication.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/11/4part_nvc_process.pdf
Empower Yourself Logistically
Control arrival and lodging. Drive yourself or keep rideshare money ready. Have a little extra on hand because Ubers increase in price on holidays
If possible, sleep elsewhere (friend’s place, hotel, short-term rental). Independence and distance from emotionally distressing people leads to nervous system safety.
Shorten the visiting window. Two focused, peaceful hours with family is much better than eight exhausting hours. This is especially important if you are naturally introverted.
Alcohol increases reactivity and family reenactments. Decide your limit in advance or skip entirely
Avoid Sensory Overload
Crowded houses supercharge everyone’s nervous system; noise, smells, constant bids for attention, nowhere to sit, nowhere to be. If you’re ADHD, ASD, or dealing with the aftereffects of trauma then that chaos can lead to instant regression. Do not try to tolerate the chaos. Create clean exits and real rest instead.
Make a quick list of 3–5 off-site places you can go without asking anyone’s permission; park, a bench somewhere, library, museum, coffee shop, even a department store if they are open.
Bring anything you need to be outside for a bit. Warm clothing, rain gear, hat, bugspray, etc. Have it ready so that if you start to feel claustrophobic you can just walk away.
Check in within your mind and body. It’s very easy to lose awareness of your own needs, desires, reactions, and increasing tension when you’re surrounded by the noise and crowd. Do a quick emotional check every so often. Timed reminders on your phone will be helpful.
If you’re starting to freaking out, then use the fancy coping skills that Steve has already taught you; 5 senses grounding, body scan, visualization, progressive muscle relaxation.
Need some more directive help? Go on the youtube and find a 5 minute meditation.
I'm not sponsored by Loop Earplugs, but I should be. I have 3 sets, and the Engage2 earplugs have pass-through noise reduction, which allows me to have a clear conversation with the people around me while reducing the screams of cranky children. Check them out here; www.loopearplugs.com
“Screw you guys, I’m going home.”
Life is only as serious as you decide it is. You are obligated to no one, and no one is entitled to you. You have your energy, attention, and time, and you say what you spend it on.
You get to say, “I'm not showing up for holidays this year.”
You get to say, “I'm here at the holiday, and this is overwhelming for me, so I'm just going to go home. Bye”
I know this might be hard for codependents, the traumatized, and the adult children of emotionally immature parents to hear this but you can actually just not put up with this shit and go to the beach, park, bar, or just stay home instead. If it causes some drama but you get to keep your sanity, it is worth it.
Ultimately, it is your life, your choices, and the word “Holiday” doesn’t have to mean anything.