One of the biggest things feeding the horrible loneliness epidemic that no one wants to talk about is that the quality of the people around you might be absolute dog shit. I know it sounds misanthropic or maybe it sounds like I’m just being a hater. But it is probably more true than you think.
Let’s say you’re starving for real connection. You’re isolated, you know you need to get out there and be around your fellow humans. There’s a meetup, an event, a bar down the street. You show up hoping for something truly connective, or even just somewhat connective, and then you actually talk to other people for a while and you think, “This was a mistake. I kind of hate everyone here.”
It’s like you are starving and there is no food but only poison around you.
It might be the geographic lottery and the closest events or people are over an hour away. This now means you’re adding fuel prices and time just to take a shot at it. It might be a total mismatch of values and you can’t even hold a conversation. Or maybe the people nearby are genuinely terrible at communicating. Maybe they’re just idiots, and talking to them feels like someone is drilling a hole straight into your brain.
I’m not saying every single human being is worthless. I’m not saying the pursuit of connection isn’t worth it. It absolutely is. But right now, it feels incredibly draining and pointless for people. If you don’t believe me just check the social media, because this is just constant.
So many people are desperate for real socialization, real tribe, being seen, heard, and understood and cannot get it despite their incredible efforts.
This is the part we don’t talk about enough. The mainstream advice is always the same: just get out there bro. Just do more meetups. Join a cult. Play pickleball. Do the yada yada yada. Keep showing up and eventually it’ll click. And time and time again, people will do those things and still feel disconnected and alone and unseen.
I really do believe that the popular advice is invalidating because it denies the incredibly painful reality that you are a palm tree in the tundra. What feeds you just isn’t around.
Sometimes it’s not that you’re broken, too picky, or socially defective. Sometimes the real issue is the lack of the right people around you. The supply side is broken, and believe me that this is not your fault.
This means we have to be much more mindful and directive about how we pursue connection. You are not a trash collector, you are not the person who is supposed to sift through the sludge trying to find the diamonds. There are much better ways to get what you need.
Next time: how to actually find your people when your tundra is empty